How Did I Get Here?

I admit, as I was typing the title for this post, I couldn't help but start singing the creepy Talking Heads song. :)

If you know me at all, you know that I always have a song in my head, and I can relate anything that happens in my life to a song. But right now, the only song that comes to mind when I think of myself is "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen.

 I guess that's why I am here, because I don't ever want to see my name and fat in the same sentence ever again. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am overweight,and unhealthy and that I need to stop making excuses, stop procrastinating, stop complaining and whining and do something about it. But my physical self is not the only thing that needs a little tweaking. I have some work to do emotionally and spiritually as well. So I guess you could say I have my work cut out for me. However, I know that nothing is too big to conquer when I am trusting in the Lord to get me thru. I have fully given this journey over to Him first and foremost. This is not a "New Years Resolution" blog. This is a journey to the ultimate life makeover. I owe it to Him to take care of the earthly body that He has given me, and be the woman that He has created me to be. I owe it to myself because I am worth it. I owe it to my husband because he deserves to have his wife back, an even better version of the woman that he married 5 1/2 yrs. ago. And I owe it to my sweet baby boy, to give him a Mama that can keep up with his amazing energy, and one who will be healthy enough to hopefully see him grow into a wonderful man of God.

So, back to my original thought. How did I get here, to the point of being overweight, depressed, and unhealthy? When I look back on it, it was a series of events and bad choices, and the way that I handled those things. Or rather, the fact that I didn't handle them. (More on what events got me here will come in a later post) I ate to cover them up, to comfort myself, to make people think that everything was alright. I am definitely what you call an "emotional eater." I don't eat massive amounts of food, and I don't sit around in front of the tv all day with a pint of ice cream. But you better believe that McDonald's french fries have been there for me after a bad day at work, and sweet tea was by my side when I endured month after month of negative pregnancy tests on our journey to start our family. I have a list of food that at this point in my life, I truly can't get thru a day without eating. How sad is that? I am not relying on God to be my everything, instead I look to food every time.

 I think that everyone reflects on how they got to the point that they are at when they begin any kind of weight loss journey. Most of us are in denial that it is as bad as it is, and then that moment of clarity hits us like a bolt of lightening. For me, it was when I stepped on the scale for the first time in several months, after signing up for Weight Watchers and realizing that I needed to have a scale to track my weight loss progress. I knew I had been gaining weight because I was having to buy larger clothes and suddenly not even fitting in my "fat clothes". I had even estimated, or as I thought, OVERestimated, what I thought I weighed before I got on the scale. Nothing could prepare me for the fact that I was 14 lbs over what I thought I overestimated myself to be! And as if that wasn't enough of a punch to the gut, my dear sweet (skinny) husband hopped on the scale "for fun". It was mortifying for me because his number was 30 lbs less than mine. Yes, folks, I weigh 30 pounds more than my husband. I know that is every woman's worst nightmare, and it completely crushed my spirit. I don't consider myself a person that cries a lot, but as soon as my husband left for work, I went to the bathroom to have a big ugly, woe is me, cry.

But today is a new day, and I am ready to get off this rollercoaster and start surrendering control of my life over to my Lord and Savior who wants me to rely on Him instead of food and self pity. I am ready to stop believing the lies that satan puts in my head everyday about how I am not good enough in any area of my life, and how if I just go thru the drive thru or eat that bag of chips, everything will be fine. I know it won't be easy, but as I have found in the last few years, God has a way of turning horrible situations into tools that are molding me into the person He wants me to be. And he has a plan and a purpose for each one of those things that have happened. The greatest testimony to that truth, in my life, is Haden. Jason and I endured many highs and lows in our quest to bring a child into our home, but we will both say with confidence that we would go thru them a million times over now that we know the result is having him in our lives.

 I know it's one of the most commonly referenced verses in the Bible, but Jeremiah 29:11 has always resonated with me in the good and bad seasons of my life. It is a simple, but also profound reminder of how even in His enormity and righteousness, God still desires to know our hearts, and has developed an intricate plan for each one of us. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." This is what I will choose to believe and listen to from now on.  I hope that thru this journey I can find other people who have the same goals in mind and we can encourage and build each other up. I hope that I can look back on this post in a year and be able to see how far I have come in all areas of my life. And as an added bonus, maybe I'll be able to live up to the title of my blog, to lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday on 10/10/12. But even more than that, with God's grace, I hope to learn and accept the promises that He has already laid out for me.